Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
