smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
