What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
