his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
