you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
