I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
