Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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