life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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