Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
