"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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