Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
