I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
