i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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