Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
