So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
