I looked at my own cervix.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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