Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
