fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
