So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
