Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
