dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
