I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
