i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
