i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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