Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
