Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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