how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
