Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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