My underwear smells like fireworks.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
