just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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