so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm too high and old for this...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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