my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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