The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
