Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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