Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
