Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
