I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
