I can text with my tongue
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
