if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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