my phone needs a breathalizer
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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