I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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