I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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