Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
