Your tits are I can't wait for
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
