A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
