I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
