I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
