jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
