There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize