Christians are straight up FREAKS
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
