sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
