I wish I only lived at night.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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