the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
