i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
