The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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